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Big Question: What is the secret to happiness?

Marquette Magazine posed this question to Dr. Anees Sheikh, a longtime professor of psychology who teaches the Psychology of Happiness, among other courses. Here is his response.

Human beings have struggled with this question for centuries. It would be highly presumptuous on my part to claim that I can answer this question in a few paragraphs. Nevertheless, I will share what appears to me to be the most important constituent.  

For decades Western psychology largely had been preoccupied with studying and fixing what is broken, with disease, disturbance and deficiency. To borrow the noted psychologist Christopher Peterson's terminology, the study of psychology had been for too long south of neutral and needed to move north. Fortunately, toward the end of the 1990s, we finally began to recognize the importance of studying what makes our lives truly worth living. We have now formally acknowledged that there is more to life than merely averting hassles or solving problems. That has been the beginning of what is now commonly known as positive psychology, and the study of happiness is a major part of this new field.  

There are countless opinions about what constitutes happiness. For St. Augustine it is "a rejoicing in the truth"; for Karl Marx it is all about growing by way of work; whereas for the Buddhists, according to Mathieu Ricard, a brilliant biologist turned Buddhist monk, it is "a deep sense of flourishing that arises from an exceptionally healthy mind," "a love of life" and a "joy of moving toward inner freedom and loving kindness."

A few years ago, when I first offered the Psychology of Happiness course at Marquette, people would ask me what this course was all about. The answer that came to me spontaneously was "It is all about getting off of ourselves and getting into others." Later on I noticed Peterson's three-word summary of the field: Other People Matter. More recently, Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard professor, after interviewing famous researchers in the field, came essentially to the same conclusions: It is intimate positive relationships that matter the most. My course on the Psychology of Death and Dying also clearly points in the same direction: When we come face to face with the question of our mortality, it is in relationships that we find strength. People who have intimate positive relationships find it easier to face the threat of their impermanence.   

So it seems obvious that positive interpersonal relationships are crucial to a healthy and happy life. What contributes to these kinds of relationships? I am convinced that loving kindness is a major factor. Kind people are generally physically and psychologically healthier; they attract more intimate relationships; their marriages are happier; they touch more lives and are touched more by others; they elicit kindness from others; they are better teachers in the eyes of students. And the list goes on (See Piero Ferrucci's The Power of Kindness). No wonder the Dalai Lama says, "My religion is kindness." He advises that if you want others to be happy, be kind; and if you yourself want to be happy, be kind. Aldous Huxley toward the end of his life said, "People often ask me what the most effective technique for transforming their life is. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say that the best answer is -- just be a little kinder."

Buddhist and Sufi literature has a great deal to say about kindness and happiness, but they are also quick to point out that we have to let go of happiness as a goal, then it is more likely to appear. They emphasize that happiness is not a destination that we arrive at. It is a way of traveling, a kind, caring and compassionate way of traveling. Hafiz, one of the most famous Sufi Persian poets who lived in the 14th century, had this to say:

Once a man came to me and spoke for hours about
"His great visions of God", he felt he was having.
He asked me for confirmation, saying,
"Are these wondrous dreams true?"...
Then I said,
"You asked me if I thought your visions were true,
I would say that they were if they make you become
More human,
More kind to every creature and plant
That you know."

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